Well....

So, I have two blogs to write but will start with the easier of the two, I think I might write a book.  I know-WHAT???-not something I ever had a desire to do, I am not a writer, I once had a good friend who told me she felt I would write a book one day.  We both were like REALLY?  So, this book comes from my struggle being a mother, an unorganized, routine fighter, detailess (yes I made that word up), frustrated, anger, self-focused still craving my own way mother.  I mean it can be frustrating to me to be a mom esp when I see these other moms who it just flows out of them-second nature.  At first I thought it was a failure in me, then I realized people are different, I feel like being an emotional woman vs a logical one puts me at some disadvantage.  Women who tend to be more logical/thinkers don't usually react, they thing through the problems and look for the best solution, they don't waver on decisions.  I also notice women who are less selfish do better with motherhood.  Anyways, just some thoughts and observations.  So, I decided to write a book really to help myself-we'll see if it ever really becomes a book or if it just stays a journal for my journey.  These are some steps I've thought of:

1-time with God

2-make a plan

3-don't react

so, we'll see if I ever take the time, have the time.

Catch ya later

Bueller...Bueller....

Deep sigh....(I'm not sure how to spell this, but wanted to express it).  Man, just when you think you have got it together-or at least mentally together-it seems to all fall apart again.  Here we are back in our despair-hang with me I'm an emoter so everything is dramatic-with no foreseeable change or answer.  While we are and have learned a lot through this process, I-we, are so ready for answers a plan we are living not waiting for, a life-course.  Sorry, I am really hurting here.  It has felt like one goal/game plan chasing after another with no end-you know how it feels like everyone else is on course or settled and you never are-never have your stuff together.  I say you know BC I am hoping that this is true, we aren't the only ones, all though it feels that way as people get or keep jobs that provide and bless them as they seem fulfilled in life.  While this life seems so scattered for us, so unsettled.  I know this world is fallen and I cannot expect perfection or heaven here-not looking for that.  just direction.  At a young age we both felt, separately, led to vocational ministry.  There is no place for this in our life now, not that we don't want it, it's like everything in our life is a shut door.  Where is our opportunity that just comes together seamlessly?  Where is our open door?  What are we supposed to be following?  Which path?  I mean at this time there doesn't even seem to be choices.  Do I sound sad?  Defeated?  Well I am-we are.  Being the person I am I want that one person to step out of my life and say, "oh hey, by the way, I really feel like you should do this-pursue this path"  "or I feel God wants you to do this".....I'm waiting....Anyone, Anyone....bueller :).  Nothing.  I am failing at truly expressing this well or with any wisdom whatsoever-not that I have any.  I really have come to that point in my life where I realize I bring nothing to the table-now before you think I've gone off the deep end of depression (I haven't don't worry)-I've just realized that without God I truly am nothing.  He has given me gifts, attributes, talents and then He sanctifies me-but on my own-nothing.  I am not belittling myself, I promise.  So, here's my cry.  If you feel so led you can pray for us-or even better in my mind if God gives you an answer let us know :).

obedience

ugh, I have been avoiding writing this blog for a few days now.  I am not the best communicator, yes I can talk alot but I am not always able to clearly convey my points, thoughts, ideas, reasonings.  And this is a big one, maybe I'm worried about getting it perfect.  Well, anyways...so obedience.  Basically I suck at it.  I am a rebel to the core, my favorite song has been My Perrogative by Bobby Brown.  I've always wanted to do life my way, to escape rules and regulations it felt like they were strangling me.  I couldn't WAIT to grow up so I could make my own decisions, have freedom...sound familiar? Oh maybe you can't relate but as I've struggled with God through some strongholds in my life I realize I am exactly like Eve-struggling with thinking I know best-have wisdom-and am able to make my own way in life.  Duh right, but in my years of struggling with this issue I have gone through many steps of "recovery" "insight" etc etc but never got over it.  There was always something holding me back, my husband read this quote to me from a Jerry Bridges book, it was something to do with the fact that so many of us are trying to achieve Victory and not Obedience.  The goal of victory is really to show how wonderful and righteous we are, how in control we are vs obedience which brings no glory to us but all glory-and recognition of-to God.  Focusing on victory is full of self-righteousness, self-focus, "how will me achieving this make me look better".  And honestly this is what I have been doing for 20years now-yikes!!  My desire to overcome was a desire to look better, to look successful while still keeping the power in my hands.  Totally not a desire to submit or obey God.  See I didn't want to change the actions just the results.  Again disobedience, totally an affront to God.  Saying, "God I know better than you, or I don't want to accept Your wisdom"  I mean why believe in God if you are going to hold to this point-you are just using Him.  I also am starting a study on Malachi, if you ever want a slam in the face of your supposed righteousness read Malachi.  God is basically like, "you say I don't bless you, but have you looked at your life?"  "oh and by the way, you offer me crap, you give me the worst of your flock as sacrifices and keep the best for yourself, than complain when I don't answer you"  "you don't honor/obey Me like a father nor respect Me as Master" BAM hello hammer to my head, knife to my heart, judge to my actions.  I was hit hard by this, bc it is so true of my life.  I am ALL about my own glory, working hard-sometimes-to look good so...well in essence so people will worship me (don't worry not in a god way), but essentially isn't that what I am saying.  I will work hard, sacrifice, acheive and then I will look so good, or appear so perfect, or be so righteous.  Then people will be impressed with me-SO ANTI GOD!!!  So, self worship.  We can do this even when we are reaching for "christian" victories.  It is amazing how we can make EVERYTHING about us and nothing about HIM.  Even using Him to achieve victory, you know like, "I will have a quiet time with God everyday and make these rules-again to achieve victory-so I will become a better person so I will look good".  Never even thinking about obeying  God.  Hmmmm, obedience?  Actually saying and acting on God being your father-the one making the rules and you submitting to them and God being your Master/Boss you respecting that position.  Do we really live this way?  not just give it lip service.  Living in obedience, not trying to make and follow your own rules on how to do something or what is ok or not, totally different and something I fight against naturally.  Well we all do, that's why this obedience takes action-the action of faith (believing God knows best) and submission (deciding to let go of my boss mentality). Being a parent has really helped me understand this, bc when you are the child (no matter how old you are) you think you know best and your parents are just trying to restrict you; however when you become a parent you put rules in place to help keep your child safe, help them make choices that would bless them and others.  You realize that rules are important, and the one with more wisdom should make them.  You at this point have more wisdom than your children,  so it would go to prove that God has more wisdom than all.  I mean He is the parent of all...even of creation.  So, He should know the best way.  I can see in my kids their fight with me, they want to make the rules.  I can see the ignorance in their ability to make good rules, they don't know what's best.  I do the same with God.  I am no different than my 2 year old fighting with me to let him run into the street or my 4 year old fighting with me on just eating sugar.  I fight God the same way, for independence.  Really, when I think about it-obedience allows for a weight to be lifted.  I don't have to make things happen, I don't have to keep up with all these rules I or others have put in place to measure success or victory.  I simply-or maybe not so simply-have to obey God and let all others goals and measuring sticks go.  Let go of my pride and how I want to look, for following God and focusing on His glory.  I hope I've articulated this well.  If not, oh well there you have it..

Hmmm

So, I read a post by a friend I liked it so much I thought I'd give a try. She was talking about trying to be someone else's beautiful instead of your God created beauty-so what's your God given beauty? Mine, I love to create, I love looking at something and tweaking it or just creating something from my own hands. I love design, I love going into a fabric store and seeing all the beautiful possibilities. I love possibility, what could be....I love art, dance, I truly love people and finding out about them...their story. I love helping, taking care of people. I do love fashion. Unlike my friend who has beautiful curly hair I have undecided hair, neither curly or straight-kinda like my life eh? I LOVE telling people about the truth in God's Word and the power that is in that, and seeing the joy in their eyes in their lives when they GET IT!!!! I can be a people pleaser, which is not what God meant for me. I get stressed and overwhelmed on a daily basis and right now I feel like a lousy Christian coming to realize a sin in my life that I am unwilling to let go of :(. See, just like I sometimes try to copy the beauty of someone else in my own appearance I have altered the true appearance of God, exchanging His true beauty for one I've created. Well, so here I sit. So, who are you? What is your God given beauty?

To the never end

So, I grew up always wanting more, dreaming of who I'd be-so much bigger and bolder than my life was at the time. Extraordinary....the ordinary life was not for me. I dreamed of being a fashion designer, speaking different languages, living somewhere different...somewhere out of the ordinary. Something that wasn't just the norm, doing something not EVERYONE did, living somewhere not everyone lived...not normal. And not in a weird way just in a, well in an extraordinary way. I have now come to that point in my life where I would be doing this...but I'm not, nothing every happened. Don't get me wrong I've had some neat experiences but I'm 35 and I'm just doing normal...ordinary. Perhaps there is a lesson in there somewhere, something profound that I'm supposed to learn like the basis of life is not what you've done it's who you've worshipped or glorified, it's not that I should be extraordinary but that He is. While profound not necessarily lessons I've taken to heart...maybe I should but then is letting go of the dreams I've had, things I desired..is it time to let go? Is that giving up hope or just a redirection in purpose or worship? Any thoughts?

Some of those truths

So, thought I should post some of those truths. First being the whole jealous God thing-I finally get it, God so passionately loves me (all of us) and wants me to return to Him because He sees how I chase dangerous things that will only deceive and hurt me and how I run from Him-the only Thing that will bless me and show me truth. The only Thing that cares for me and will fulfill me. It angers Him, because He doesn't want me to be hurt or lost-in a way He's desires to protect and shield me. Second truth, I love discussing things with people, questioning things is so important but I need to do this and not take people's opinions or thoughts but think and seek God's truth not people's. Again, not the best explanation of truth but best I can do right now...

Just like Moses

Ok, well this might be a bit of an exaggeration-kinda like when I told Dave that I could never be an Olympic athlete because I couldn't stand to do all that training and then lose by seconds(never mind the lack of athletic talent)-but as with most of my descriptors in life it's an overdramatic descriptor of my point. My point being that I LOVE GOD AND HIS TRUTH AND I WANT TO SHARE THEM WITH OTHERS not as much as I was created to but as much as I can at this point in my journey, as much as I can in my fallen state. This is where Moses comes in-you know when God told him to go talk to Pharoah and Moses was like, "I don't think that's a good idea God". Moses' main excuse for not wanting to talk to Pharoah-although I'm sure there were others-was that he was not good with words or public speaking. As you know, I love to talk, to give my opinion, to be heard but I often find when I discover a truth of God I am truly excited about it but, I feel tongue tied on how to express this, explain it in a way so others can discover this truth-so they may know it too. I'm not saying I'm the only one that can share this truth but it stems more from a desire to share it and feeling inadequate-like Moses-to explain it to others. So that's it, that's my kindredness with Moses...anyways...