So call me an Israelite

So, I grew up in a Christian home and have been hearing all those Old Testament stories about the Israelites and their whorish (sp) ways.  How even though God had done amazingly great things for them they still would run to other gods, other idols.  I was always disappointed, not even that, judgemental of them, thinking-how could they, what awful people.  Lately, well it's been quite a journey, but lately I've realized how very like them I am, how at the slightest (or incredibly huge) let down or discouragement I run to my other gods my idols.  See, I always thought idols meant a golden sculpture of something with a weird name when actually it means something that I run to instead of God.  Something I trust in, instead of God.  Something I want, instead of God.  Something I escape to, instead of God.  See, I have been doing this all my life, whether it be me and my own "abilities", food, people's approval, looking a certain way-I have misused them all and left God time after time again and again over and over.  It is hard, especially right now, to trust that God will be here, that He hasn't left, that He has a plan, that if I depend on, lean on Him I will get through this, that He is ALL I need.  Easy to say but how many of us can truly say we live this....now that God has made me aware I am trying...but it is oh so hard to believe and I fail more than succeed.  Not that it is something to succeed with but...Well, anyways here's to the Israel of the OT, I feel ya, I get it, I am right there with you and God please help me to want You.

Fallen World

So....growing up, I don't think I even thought about the world being fallen.  I probably felt I was a pretty good person and that there was such a thing as good and bad people.  No longer, one of the things God has made very real to me, esp recently, is that this world is fallen, things don't work right, everything is work, life is hard and relationships even harder.  Sometimes I want to say, HEY GOD-I GOT IT, yeah there are people that if you measured their life against mine there's might seem worse, but my life has been mentally, physically and emotionally exhausting alot of the time.  This is hard for an emotional person like me, so easy to get pulled down and as I'm just learning to grasp for God (not other human things) futile at times.  So, I am trying, trying to pursue God-not my way-live as if He is the boss-not me-and wait.  I hate it, but I have to believe that God is in control and that His way will win.