So call me an Israelite

So, I grew up in a Christian home and have been hearing all those Old Testament stories about the Israelites and their whorish (sp) ways.  How even though God had done amazingly great things for them they still would run to other gods, other idols.  I was always disappointed, not even that, judgemental of them, thinking-how could they, what awful people.  Lately, well it's been quite a journey, but lately I've realized how very like them I am, how at the slightest (or incredibly huge) let down or discouragement I run to my other gods my idols.  See, I always thought idols meant a golden sculpture of something with a weird name when actually it means something that I run to instead of God.  Something I trust in, instead of God.  Something I want, instead of God.  Something I escape to, instead of God.  See, I have been doing this all my life, whether it be me and my own "abilities", food, people's approval, looking a certain way-I have misused them all and left God time after time again and again over and over.  It is hard, especially right now, to trust that God will be here, that He hasn't left, that He has a plan, that if I depend on, lean on Him I will get through this, that He is ALL I need.  Easy to say but how many of us can truly say we live this....now that God has made me aware I am trying...but it is oh so hard to believe and I fail more than succeed.  Not that it is something to succeed with but...Well, anyways here's to the Israel of the OT, I feel ya, I get it, I am right there with you and God please help me to want You.

Fallen World

So....growing up, I don't think I even thought about the world being fallen.  I probably felt I was a pretty good person and that there was such a thing as good and bad people.  No longer, one of the things God has made very real to me, esp recently, is that this world is fallen, things don't work right, everything is work, life is hard and relationships even harder.  Sometimes I want to say, HEY GOD-I GOT IT, yeah there are people that if you measured their life against mine there's might seem worse, but my life has been mentally, physically and emotionally exhausting alot of the time.  This is hard for an emotional person like me, so easy to get pulled down and as I'm just learning to grasp for God (not other human things) futile at times.  So, I am trying, trying to pursue God-not my way-live as if He is the boss-not me-and wait.  I hate it, but I have to believe that God is in control and that His way will win.

Life as I know it

So, I only seem to blog my deep-or shallow-thoughts.  When I am having some crisis of thought or lifestyle.  So, right now it is, "what's next?", what to do with our life now?  What does God want us to do?  What would be a good decision for us and our kids?  So hard, where's that neon sign?  Where's that wise person-and not just opinionated-to guide us?  UGH...on a lighter note Dave and I celebrated 11 years yesterday, I am lucky to be married to such an amazing man who travels with me, stands by me-even in my worst moods-and seeks God with all his heart, soul and mind.  And who loves me dearly.  Thank God....now to the rest of our life.

Are you Surviving, Living or Thriving???

Are you Surviving, Living or Thriving???  An email sent to me asked this question, obviously from someone who IS Thriving, as I ignore my baby who is eating pizza and my eldest yells at me from his potty..."BATMAN, SPIDERMAN,  ALL DONE".  Hmmmm, what do you think?  I mean I guess it really depends on the day but even then rarely if ever would I say Thriving.  But today as I yell at my son, such a bad mommy, and drag myself around the house picking up after the perpetual messy monster who seems to roam freely, I would say somewhere between Surviving and Living....Siving?? Lurviving??

Does everyone feel this way

This is often a question or thought I have in my head.  Does everyone feel this way?  Does everyone feel lost and like they are running around with their head cut off?  or do they really have it all together?  Does everyone desire to have a sane life where everything falls into place and there is a rhythm to their life?  or do they already have that?  I am running around with my head cut off and then collapsing, I desire to have a sane life where everything falls into place and their is a rhythm but I can't seem to create it.  I am always playing catch up or make up or just trying to hold it all up.  How does this work this making life work?  Or does it just not?  Am I searching for something that is only found on the other side?  Oh, I feel so exhausted and just wish I could get it all together for once.  Anyone else?

WOW

will I ever get this right?  will I ever stop judging and just love people where they're at, just calm down and not try to be the best through my accomplishments?  it's hard but so rewarding to just relax and be who I am and let people like me or not based on that, and what peace it brings to love people instead of constantly trying to whittle them down to a person that is less than you....I need alot of work