To the never end

So, I grew up always wanting more, dreaming of who I'd be-so much bigger and bolder than my life was at the time. Extraordinary....the ordinary life was not for me. I dreamed of being a fashion designer, speaking different languages, living somewhere different...somewhere out of the ordinary. Something that wasn't just the norm, doing something not EVERYONE did, living somewhere not everyone lived...not normal. And not in a weird way just in a, well in an extraordinary way. I have now come to that point in my life where I would be doing this...but I'm not, nothing every happened. Don't get me wrong I've had some neat experiences but I'm 35 and I'm just doing normal...ordinary. Perhaps there is a lesson in there somewhere, something profound that I'm supposed to learn like the basis of life is not what you've done it's who you've worshipped or glorified, it's not that I should be extraordinary but that He is. While profound not necessarily lessons I've taken to heart...maybe I should but then is letting go of the dreams I've had, things I desired..is it time to let go? Is that giving up hope or just a redirection in purpose or worship? Any thoughts?

Some of those truths

So, thought I should post some of those truths. First being the whole jealous God thing-I finally get it, God so passionately loves me (all of us) and wants me to return to Him because He sees how I chase dangerous things that will only deceive and hurt me and how I run from Him-the only Thing that will bless me and show me truth. The only Thing that cares for me and will fulfill me. It angers Him, because He doesn't want me to be hurt or lost-in a way He's desires to protect and shield me. Second truth, I love discussing things with people, questioning things is so important but I need to do this and not take people's opinions or thoughts but think and seek God's truth not people's. Again, not the best explanation of truth but best I can do right now...

Just like Moses

Ok, well this might be a bit of an exaggeration-kinda like when I told Dave that I could never be an Olympic athlete because I couldn't stand to do all that training and then lose by seconds(never mind the lack of athletic talent)-but as with most of my descriptors in life it's an overdramatic descriptor of my point. My point being that I LOVE GOD AND HIS TRUTH AND I WANT TO SHARE THEM WITH OTHERS not as much as I was created to but as much as I can at this point in my journey, as much as I can in my fallen state. This is where Moses comes in-you know when God told him to go talk to Pharoah and Moses was like, "I don't think that's a good idea God". Moses' main excuse for not wanting to talk to Pharoah-although I'm sure there were others-was that he was not good with words or public speaking. As you know, I love to talk, to give my opinion, to be heard but I often find when I discover a truth of God I am truly excited about it but, I feel tongue tied on how to express this, explain it in a way so others can discover this truth-so they may know it too. I'm not saying I'm the only one that can share this truth but it stems more from a desire to share it and feeling inadequate-like Moses-to explain it to others. So that's it, that's my kindredness with Moses...anyways...

So call me an Israelite

So, I grew up in a Christian home and have been hearing all those Old Testament stories about the Israelites and their whorish (sp) ways.  How even though God had done amazingly great things for them they still would run to other gods, other idols.  I was always disappointed, not even that, judgemental of them, thinking-how could they, what awful people.  Lately, well it's been quite a journey, but lately I've realized how very like them I am, how at the slightest (or incredibly huge) let down or discouragement I run to my other gods my idols.  See, I always thought idols meant a golden sculpture of something with a weird name when actually it means something that I run to instead of God.  Something I trust in, instead of God.  Something I want, instead of God.  Something I escape to, instead of God.  See, I have been doing this all my life, whether it be me and my own "abilities", food, people's approval, looking a certain way-I have misused them all and left God time after time again and again over and over.  It is hard, especially right now, to trust that God will be here, that He hasn't left, that He has a plan, that if I depend on, lean on Him I will get through this, that He is ALL I need.  Easy to say but how many of us can truly say we live this....now that God has made me aware I am trying...but it is oh so hard to believe and I fail more than succeed.  Not that it is something to succeed with but...Well, anyways here's to the Israel of the OT, I feel ya, I get it, I am right there with you and God please help me to want You.

Fallen World

So....growing up, I don't think I even thought about the world being fallen.  I probably felt I was a pretty good person and that there was such a thing as good and bad people.  No longer, one of the things God has made very real to me, esp recently, is that this world is fallen, things don't work right, everything is work, life is hard and relationships even harder.  Sometimes I want to say, HEY GOD-I GOT IT, yeah there are people that if you measured their life against mine there's might seem worse, but my life has been mentally, physically and emotionally exhausting alot of the time.  This is hard for an emotional person like me, so easy to get pulled down and as I'm just learning to grasp for God (not other human things) futile at times.  So, I am trying, trying to pursue God-not my way-live as if He is the boss-not me-and wait.  I hate it, but I have to believe that God is in control and that His way will win.

Life as I know it

So, I only seem to blog my deep-or shallow-thoughts.  When I am having some crisis of thought or lifestyle.  So, right now it is, "what's next?", what to do with our life now?  What does God want us to do?  What would be a good decision for us and our kids?  So hard, where's that neon sign?  Where's that wise person-and not just opinionated-to guide us?  UGH...on a lighter note Dave and I celebrated 11 years yesterday, I am lucky to be married to such an amazing man who travels with me, stands by me-even in my worst moods-and seeks God with all his heart, soul and mind.  And who loves me dearly.  Thank God....now to the rest of our life.

Are you Surviving, Living or Thriving???

Are you Surviving, Living or Thriving???  An email sent to me asked this question, obviously from someone who IS Thriving, as I ignore my baby who is eating pizza and my eldest yells at me from his potty..."BATMAN, SPIDERMAN,  ALL DONE".  Hmmmm, what do you think?  I mean I guess it really depends on the day but even then rarely if ever would I say Thriving.  But today as I yell at my son, such a bad mommy, and drag myself around the house picking up after the perpetual messy monster who seems to roam freely, I would say somewhere between Surviving and Living....Siving?? Lurviving??