Am I a B**** or just tired

Am I a Bitch or just tired?  I found myself asking this question this morning.  Good grief, if you ever need proof that you are not such a nice person or of how selfish you really are or of how limited and mostly self seeking your "love" for others is....have children.  I know anyone who is a parent, or has been around kids, knows that they are often selfish but God has really been showing me how selfish I really am.  I have been reading some various good parenting books, seeking help, and several times unselfish, sacrificing love has been mentioned.  You know a way to show The Gospel is to love as God loves you, selflessly and totally sacrificially.  (kinda thinking that Jesus giving up all His power and position, humbling himself to come to earth and be mocked, abandoned, used, not treasured, severely and painfully beaten and brutally killed is selfless and sacrificial love).  This totally makes sense and if you think about it, is true love.  True love is loving someone when they are at their worst not just when it feels good or it's easy.  

Imagine you have this beautiful baby who seemingly loves you is comforted by you and wants to be with you, not so hard to love this.  Now imagine that beautiful baby waking you up every 4 hrs demanding to be fed, or every 2 hrs or every hour and you are still recovering from the physical pain of childbirth and are EXHAUSTED,  harder but still not so hard.  Now, that child has become a toddler whom you have to wake up with (early), feed and not just cereal an actual meal, (no matter if you want to eat or not), who when he eats makes the biggest mess possible which then you have to clean up while keeping him out of danger and this child will occasionally fight you on things that perhaps they don't want to do ;).  Now this is getting harder, do you feel the sacrifice, the selflessness this requires.  As they grow there might be times when this child will yell at you, tell you you are the worst, complain about every meal you make, leave HUGE messes, require you to do laundry, wake you up in the middle of the night to vomit on you or bc they have wet the bed and you need to change them and all the sheets, sacrificial & selfless love.  They might have a different idea from you on how the day should go, who is right, what is truth, what clothes they should put on, what volume they should talk at.  Sacrifical & Selfless Love.  See this getting harder?  Man and with each step I take I feel my anger, my selfishness, my fatigue, my poor me attitude, my frustrations at crap being EVERYWHERE!!!  

Sacrificial & Selfless Love is hard, it is not what we want to do, I find myself just wanting to sit and relax and be LEFT ALONE!!  I want to scream (yes I know I don't win the mommy award) LEAVE ME ALONE AND LET ME GET ALL THIS OTHER STUFF DONE AND NO I DON'T WANT TO PLAY WITH YOU.  WHY???  bc I'm an awful mother (B****).  At least that's how it feels, to a point I am, I wouldn't call myself an awful mother bc I think all mothers struggle and have their "awful" parts but I am being selfish, speaking in anger, not wanting to sacrifice.  Yes I do love my children but my love does not closely resemble God's love for me (for all).  I am constantly fighting this battle.  Folks, I am so selfish and as far as loving sacrificially, well last night I complained to my husband that they all just always make messes and yell at me and the work is never done and I am just used... so not very sacrifically.  

I feel the selfishness, the "I want it my way" bc really even if I am doing "good" things like laundry, feeding my family well, dishes if I am doing it angrily or ignoring my children-yelling at them if they get in the way of my work-this is not love.  This is task focused, performance focused.  This is so hurtful bc the last thing I wanted to be for my kids is what I am being.  Asking that they step aside so I can get done what I want to get done, so I can do what I want to do.  And even if it is not me going to workout, get my hair and nails done or go shopping the attitude is just as bad and hurtful.  

So, the question has to be asked Am I a Bitch or am I just tired?  Well, I would say kinda both.  The job of Mother is exhausting and never ending.  It's hard to be selfless and act sacrifically. It hurts and it requires a leaving of myself, a letting go, a humility.  I can't love selflessly and sacrificially.  I can't do it at all on my own, no one can bc we are all depraved and thus selfish/self-seeking.  Only God can love this way.  How amazing is it that this all powerful God, who has all authority and is totally perfect will love me that way?  And yet here I am not all powerful, not having all authority and totally imperfect demanding I get my way, and withholding love to others.  I need God to show me and grow me toward this selfless & sacrificial love, a love that works for the good of another at total sacrifice of self with out expecting a benefit to self.  That's love.  It is hard and He probably will have to drag me kicking and screaming but I pray He does.

Truth

TRUTH: the truth : the real facts about something : the things that are true. : the quality or state of being true. : a statement or idea that is true or accepted as true (Meriram Webster definition)  This is what I am addressing here. 

I have been thinking about writing this post for awhile.  Honestly putting it off because I didn't know what to say, didn't want to express it or feel it, didn't want to join in the discussion.  I feel like a lot needs to be said, I feel like even more a lot needs to be heard, understood, listened to.  Our world is running a fast pace away from God, away from truth and toward feeling and opinion.  This can be seen in this situation as well.  I didn't even fully realize my sin in all of this, until we left.  I mean we had left a LONG time ago only to come back due to what felt like lack of options.  And the whole time since our return we have had a pit in our stomachs.  Let's address my sin first, my sin of holding onto a man and what he had done, instead of The God who had done it through the man.  Of me thinking that since I have only experienced this growth, this beauty, this truth in one place that it will never/can never happen again.   Holding fast to man and not God.  This was my sin.  God is OMNIPOTENT, I don't know why we are so quick to let go of that and hold onto man.  This only brings uncertainty and fear, because it falls apart, God never will, man falls....which leads us to what happened here.

In September 2005 we visited Seattle, this would be our future home.  We visited Mars Hill, and WOW!  Mark was starting his sermon series in Revelations, I had never heard the scripture preached this way before.  God and His power became so real to me.  I remember praying then, "God don't let Mark fall, protect him" bc so often men do.  Our time in Seattle was a huge catalyst in our spiritual growth, it was painful and beautiful all at once.  They had 3 or 4 main pillars at that time, Truth, Meaning and Beauty (these are the ones I remember).  I remember Mark being about Seattle, only Seattle.  I remember Mars Hill being about planting churches, not just spreading Mark around.  Mars Hill taught the scripture without apology, didn't dumb it down or nerd it down as so many other churches do.  And the people, the people studied theology.  Mars Hill did not run from the world but was focused on redeeming it, seeing talents as from God.  Art was not evil, culture was not evil, alcohol was not evil-we in our depraved state, we are evil. We run from God.  There was so much there, don't get me wrong, we were never Kool-aid drinkers.  I never mistook anything that Mars Hill did with grace, this was not a place you would walk into with problems and be loved on, obvious issues.  But GOD was doing amazing things, obviously there was some awful things going on to.

We moved away, out of state.  We went to other churches.  For all of this I am glad, we needed to grow in other ways apart from all of this.  The first warning was in 2007 when Elder restructuring happened at Mars Hill and all memberships were cancelled.  WARNING WARNING.  Then the first satellite church. BIGGER WARNING.  We remember thinking we know Mark has a big pull and obviously is a gifted preacher but he is not the only gifted one.  God can work through other people, this was a big distaste for us.

We wanted to be in ministry, vocationally.  Dave applied for an internship with Mars Hill.  We talked with some of our friends who worked at Mars Hill.  Both had left, one by choice the other by force.  So glad we had these discussions.  One of these families, even though they had truly been abandaned and have ever right to speak has never voiced their pain for all to hear.  She shared their story with me, I was angry, to say the least.  Disgusted.  I then talked with my friend Wendy who was very close to all that was going on and had worked at Mars Hill.  More disturbing information, not gossip.  Hear me on this, both of these people were only speaking first hand truth.  Not from things they had "heard" happened.  They were relaying things that happened to them.  We did not take the internship.

We did move to Seattle and found a great church to attend.  We did not attend Mars Hill, we just couldn't get past the satellite thing.  (full disclosure here, I did attend Mars Hill Womens Bstudy while we were in Seattle, those women were terrific and ministered to me in so many ways).  Then we had to move away from Seattle, to the desert, literally Phoenix.

We had been there a few months, church shopping (not my favorite thing to do), when several of my friends (who still attended Mars Hill) let us know that Mars Hill was planting in Phoenix.  We talked about this for a long time, we still did not like the idea of a satellite church (esp this far removed) and didn't love where Mars Hill had gone (they had become a typical mega church) but anyone in Phoenix will tell you Phoenix is hurting for good churches with a strong theology and leaning into The Bible (high view of God, low view of man) and we knew we could lead a Small Group in our neighborhood. Hoping for some nearby spiritual community and knowing our kids would be taught truths, we went to Phoenix Mars Hill.  To say it was rough is an understatement, we had pits in our stomach, we were unsure.  We somewhat kept our distance.  We started a small group in our home and those people who joined us are solid and are still close friends.  We enjoyed our small group community but Sundays were hard.  As more and more of the truths came out regarding Mark coupled with his lackluster apology and total lack of repentance we felt we could no longer hang on.  We announced to our small group we were leaving Mars Hill told them why and asked them to really embrace the truth and seek God if they should stay or go.  It was hard, this is our only spiritual community here, I cried.  We still haven't found a church here.

I have cried alot.  I cried when Mark first gave his little announcement of his 6 week sabbatical (I was not crying bc he was leaving).  I cried the whole week leading up to us telling our small group we were leaving.  I felt this deep sadness in my soul.  This void, emptiness.  I was mourning.  Mourning the loss of a spiritual movement, a spiritual renewal that I know had happened in my life, in Dave's in our marriage and in countless other people's lives who had been affected by what GOD had done through Mark and Mars Hill.  I cried for what I felt like would be the loss of truth.  Mark has done and continues to do AWFUL things and yes there is grace and yes there is forgiveness....for those who REPENT (I Jn 1:9).  You have to turn away from the sin.  I am crying now bc it still hurts, it's still a loss.  This is when I realized my sin in this, I had leaned, held on too tightly to Mark and Mars Hill instead of what GOD had done through them.  You see, God did it.  Not Mark Driscoll.  Not Mars Hill.  God gifted Mark and used him in mighty ways to further GOD'S TRUTH.  This does not mean all that Mark did or said was of God (please do no hear that, Mark is a man and thus is sinful and can act in sinful ways apart from God).  God can do it again, He can move, He can cause growth, He can see that truth is preached.

The crying has not stopped, it has lessened but as this drama continues to play on the hurt continues with it.  What was Phoenix Mars Hill location has been closed, that campus pastor has forged ahead to start a new (totally separate from Mars Hill) church.  We can't go, it is too painful.  I cried there too.

Here's my point, I have read a lot of posts, comments, opinions on Mars Hill, on Mark Driscoll, even heard people speaking out of their feelings...not out of truth.  That's why I wanted to write on this.  People, STOP, do not speak unless God is telling you and you truly have the truth.  Not your opinion of the truth or of what has transpired, the actual truth.  I will post the links here and you can read them or not, but do not speak to what you do not know of.  The truth is what matters here, not how you feel.  And more importantly The Truth will set you free, only God, not Mars Hill, not Mark Driscoll not any other church or pastor.  Hold Fast to God.
Also Patheos.com, search Mars Hill if you need more information.

http://wp.production.patheos.com/blogs/warrenthrockmorton/files/2014/08/Concerns-and-Critical-Information-for-the-Elders-of-Mars-Hill-Church.pdf

We love Mars Hill

Acts 29 asking Mark Driscoll go

Leif Moi-one of three original founding pastors of Mars Hill

on a side note

Man I wished I hadn't named this blog the journey....should have gone with arrived or the blessing or easy life.  Oh well

Emotions

Ever wonder why people don't want to feel?  Why people do everything in their power to avoid feelings?  Obviously not happy, fun feelings but the dark, deeper, sad, depressed, angry or stressed feelings.  I have been mulling this over as I've been dealing with NOT wanting to feel and how I avoid this.  Everyone does, it looks different-for some it's food, for others alcohol or drugs, for others it's simply the busyness (is this a word) of life. For some it may even look like a "good" thing such as success or achieving goals constantly pushing for the next thing.  But why, why can't we feel, why do we not want to feel?  Is it that it feels out of control?  Or that we are scared of where it might lead?  Or what it would lead us to become?  Or is it just the uncomfortableness it brings?  Questions I'm asking myself....

Well....

So, I have two blogs to write but will start with the easier of the two, I think I might write a book.  I know-WHAT???-not something I ever had a desire to do, I am not a writer, I once had a good friend who told me she felt I would write a book one day.  We both were like REALLY?  So, this book comes from my struggle being a mother, an unorganized, routine fighter, detailess (yes I made that word up), frustrated, anger, self-focused still craving my own way mother.  I mean it can be frustrating to me to be a mom esp when I see these other moms who it just flows out of them-second nature.  At first I thought it was a failure in me, then I realized people are different, I feel like being an emotional woman vs a logical one puts me at some disadvantage.  Women who tend to be more logical/thinkers don't usually react, they thing through the problems and look for the best solution, they don't waver on decisions.  I also notice women who are less selfish do better with motherhood.  Anyways, just some thoughts and observations.  So, I decided to write a book really to help myself-we'll see if it ever really becomes a book or if it just stays a journal for my journey.  These are some steps I've thought of:

1-time with God

2-make a plan

3-don't react

so, we'll see if I ever take the time, have the time.

Catch ya later

Bueller...Bueller....

Deep sigh....(I'm not sure how to spell this, but wanted to express it).  Man, just when you think you have got it together-or at least mentally together-it seems to all fall apart again.  Here we are back in our despair-hang with me I'm an emoter so everything is dramatic-with no foreseeable change or answer.  While we are and have learned a lot through this process, I-we, are so ready for answers a plan we are living not waiting for, a life-course.  Sorry, I am really hurting here.  It has felt like one goal/game plan chasing after another with no end-you know how it feels like everyone else is on course or settled and you never are-never have your stuff together.  I say you know BC I am hoping that this is true, we aren't the only ones, all though it feels that way as people get or keep jobs that provide and bless them as they seem fulfilled in life.  While this life seems so scattered for us, so unsettled.  I know this world is fallen and I cannot expect perfection or heaven here-not looking for that.  just direction.  At a young age we both felt, separately, led to vocational ministry.  There is no place for this in our life now, not that we don't want it, it's like everything in our life is a shut door.  Where is our opportunity that just comes together seamlessly?  Where is our open door?  What are we supposed to be following?  Which path?  I mean at this time there doesn't even seem to be choices.  Do I sound sad?  Defeated?  Well I am-we are.  Being the person I am I want that one person to step out of my life and say, "oh hey, by the way, I really feel like you should do this-pursue this path"  "or I feel God wants you to do this".....I'm waiting....Anyone, Anyone....bueller :).  Nothing.  I am failing at truly expressing this well or with any wisdom whatsoever-not that I have any.  I really have come to that point in my life where I realize I bring nothing to the table-now before you think I've gone off the deep end of depression (I haven't don't worry)-I've just realized that without God I truly am nothing.  He has given me gifts, attributes, talents and then He sanctifies me-but on my own-nothing.  I am not belittling myself, I promise.  So, here's my cry.  If you feel so led you can pray for us-or even better in my mind if God gives you an answer let us know :).

obedience

ugh, I have been avoiding writing this blog for a few days now.  I am not the best communicator, yes I can talk alot but I am not always able to clearly convey my points, thoughts, ideas, reasonings.  And this is a big one, maybe I'm worried about getting it perfect.  Well, anyways...so obedience.  Basically I suck at it.  I am a rebel to the core, my favorite song has been My Perrogative by Bobby Brown.  I've always wanted to do life my way, to escape rules and regulations it felt like they were strangling me.  I couldn't WAIT to grow up so I could make my own decisions, have freedom...sound familiar? Oh maybe you can't relate but as I've struggled with God through some strongholds in my life I realize I am exactly like Eve-struggling with thinking I know best-have wisdom-and am able to make my own way in life.  Duh right, but in my years of struggling with this issue I have gone through many steps of "recovery" "insight" etc etc but never got over it.  There was always something holding me back, my husband read this quote to me from a Jerry Bridges book, it was something to do with the fact that so many of us are trying to achieve Victory and not Obedience.  The goal of victory is really to show how wonderful and righteous we are, how in control we are vs obedience which brings no glory to us but all glory-and recognition of-to God.  Focusing on victory is full of self-righteousness, self-focus, "how will me achieving this make me look better".  And honestly this is what I have been doing for 20years now-yikes!!  My desire to overcome was a desire to look better, to look successful while still keeping the power in my hands.  Totally not a desire to submit or obey God.  See I didn't want to change the actions just the results.  Again disobedience, totally an affront to God.  Saying, "God I know better than you, or I don't want to accept Your wisdom"  I mean why believe in God if you are going to hold to this point-you are just using Him.  I also am starting a study on Malachi, if you ever want a slam in the face of your supposed righteousness read Malachi.  God is basically like, "you say I don't bless you, but have you looked at your life?"  "oh and by the way, you offer me crap, you give me the worst of your flock as sacrifices and keep the best for yourself, than complain when I don't answer you"  "you don't honor/obey Me like a father nor respect Me as Master" BAM hello hammer to my head, knife to my heart, judge to my actions.  I was hit hard by this, bc it is so true of my life.  I am ALL about my own glory, working hard-sometimes-to look good so...well in essence so people will worship me (don't worry not in a god way), but essentially isn't that what I am saying.  I will work hard, sacrifice, acheive and then I will look so good, or appear so perfect, or be so righteous.  Then people will be impressed with me-SO ANTI GOD!!!  So, self worship.  We can do this even when we are reaching for "christian" victories.  It is amazing how we can make EVERYTHING about us and nothing about HIM.  Even using Him to achieve victory, you know like, "I will have a quiet time with God everyday and make these rules-again to achieve victory-so I will become a better person so I will look good".  Never even thinking about obeying  God.  Hmmmm, obedience?  Actually saying and acting on God being your father-the one making the rules and you submitting to them and God being your Master/Boss you respecting that position.  Do we really live this way?  not just give it lip service.  Living in obedience, not trying to make and follow your own rules on how to do something or what is ok or not, totally different and something I fight against naturally.  Well we all do, that's why this obedience takes action-the action of faith (believing God knows best) and submission (deciding to let go of my boss mentality). Being a parent has really helped me understand this, bc when you are the child (no matter how old you are) you think you know best and your parents are just trying to restrict you; however when you become a parent you put rules in place to help keep your child safe, help them make choices that would bless them and others.  You realize that rules are important, and the one with more wisdom should make them.  You at this point have more wisdom than your children,  so it would go to prove that God has more wisdom than all.  I mean He is the parent of all...even of creation.  So, He should know the best way.  I can see in my kids their fight with me, they want to make the rules.  I can see the ignorance in their ability to make good rules, they don't know what's best.  I do the same with God.  I am no different than my 2 year old fighting with me to let him run into the street or my 4 year old fighting with me on just eating sugar.  I fight God the same way, for independence.  Really, when I think about it-obedience allows for a weight to be lifted.  I don't have to make things happen, I don't have to keep up with all these rules I or others have put in place to measure success or victory.  I simply-or maybe not so simply-have to obey God and let all others goals and measuring sticks go.  Let go of my pride and how I want to look, for following God and focusing on His glory.  I hope I've articulated this well.  If not, oh well there you have it..