Imagine you have this beautiful baby who seemingly loves you is comforted by you and wants to be with you, not so hard to love this. Now imagine that beautiful baby waking you up every 4 hrs demanding to be fed, or every 2 hrs or every hour and you are still recovering from the physical pain of childbirth and are EXHAUSTED, harder but still not so hard. Now, that child has become a toddler whom you have to wake up with (early), feed and not just cereal an actual meal, (no matter if you want to eat or not), who when he eats makes the biggest mess possible which then you have to clean up while keeping him out of danger and this child will occasionally fight you on things that perhaps they don't want to do ;). Now this is getting harder, do you feel the sacrifice, the selflessness this requires. As they grow there might be times when this child will yell at you, tell you you are the worst, complain about every meal you make, leave HUGE messes, require you to do laundry, wake you up in the middle of the night to vomit on you or bc they have wet the bed and you need to change them and all the sheets, sacrificial & selfless love. They might have a different idea from you on how the day should go, who is right, what is truth, what clothes they should put on, what volume they should talk at. Sacrifical & Selfless Love. See this getting harder? Man and with each step I take I feel my anger, my selfishness, my fatigue, my poor me attitude, my frustrations at crap being EVERYWHERE!!!
Sacrificial & Selfless Love is hard, it is not what we want to do, I find myself just wanting to sit and relax and be LEFT ALONE!! I want to scream (yes I know I don't win the mommy award) LEAVE ME ALONE AND LET ME GET ALL THIS OTHER STUFF DONE AND NO I DON'T WANT TO PLAY WITH YOU. WHY??? bc I'm an awful mother (B****). At least that's how it feels, to a point I am, I wouldn't call myself an awful mother bc I think all mothers struggle and have their "awful" parts but I am being selfish, speaking in anger, not wanting to sacrifice. Yes I do love my children but my love does not closely resemble God's love for me (for all). I am constantly fighting this battle. Folks, I am so selfish and as far as loving sacrificially, well last night I complained to my husband that they all just always make messes and yell at me and the work is never done and I am just used... so not very sacrifically.
I feel the selfishness, the "I want it my way" bc really even if I am doing "good" things like laundry, feeding my family well, dishes if I am doing it angrily or ignoring my children-yelling at them if they get in the way of my work-this is not love. This is task focused, performance focused. This is so hurtful bc the last thing I wanted to be for my kids is what I am being. Asking that they step aside so I can get done what I want to get done, so I can do what I want to do. And even if it is not me going to workout, get my hair and nails done or go shopping the attitude is just as bad and hurtful.
So, the question has to be asked Am I a Bitch or am I just tired? Well, I would say kinda both. The job of Mother is exhausting and never ending. It's hard to be selfless and act sacrifically. It hurts and it requires a leaving of myself, a letting go, a humility. I can't love selflessly and sacrificially. I can't do it at all on my own, no one can bc we are all depraved and thus selfish/self-seeking. Only God can love this way. How amazing is it that this all powerful God, who has all authority and is totally perfect will love me that way? And yet here I am not all powerful, not having all authority and totally imperfect demanding I get my way, and withholding love to others. I need God to show me and grow me toward this selfless & sacrificial love, a love that works for the good of another at total sacrifice of self with out expecting a benefit to self. That's love. It is hard and He probably will have to drag me kicking and screaming but I pray He does.
