obedience

ugh, I have been avoiding writing this blog for a few days now.  I am not the best communicator, yes I can talk alot but I am not always able to clearly convey my points, thoughts, ideas, reasonings.  And this is a big one, maybe I'm worried about getting it perfect.  Well, anyways...so obedience.  Basically I suck at it.  I am a rebel to the core, my favorite song has been My Perrogative by Bobby Brown.  I've always wanted to do life my way, to escape rules and regulations it felt like they were strangling me.  I couldn't WAIT to grow up so I could make my own decisions, have freedom...sound familiar? Oh maybe you can't relate but as I've struggled with God through some strongholds in my life I realize I am exactly like Eve-struggling with thinking I know best-have wisdom-and am able to make my own way in life.  Duh right, but in my years of struggling with this issue I have gone through many steps of "recovery" "insight" etc etc but never got over it.  There was always something holding me back, my husband read this quote to me from a Jerry Bridges book, it was something to do with the fact that so many of us are trying to achieve Victory and not Obedience.  The goal of victory is really to show how wonderful and righteous we are, how in control we are vs obedience which brings no glory to us but all glory-and recognition of-to God.  Focusing on victory is full of self-righteousness, self-focus, "how will me achieving this make me look better".  And honestly this is what I have been doing for 20years now-yikes!!  My desire to overcome was a desire to look better, to look successful while still keeping the power in my hands.  Totally not a desire to submit or obey God.  See I didn't want to change the actions just the results.  Again disobedience, totally an affront to God.  Saying, "God I know better than you, or I don't want to accept Your wisdom"  I mean why believe in God if you are going to hold to this point-you are just using Him.  I also am starting a study on Malachi, if you ever want a slam in the face of your supposed righteousness read Malachi.  God is basically like, "you say I don't bless you, but have you looked at your life?"  "oh and by the way, you offer me crap, you give me the worst of your flock as sacrifices and keep the best for yourself, than complain when I don't answer you"  "you don't honor/obey Me like a father nor respect Me as Master" BAM hello hammer to my head, knife to my heart, judge to my actions.  I was hit hard by this, bc it is so true of my life.  I am ALL about my own glory, working hard-sometimes-to look good so...well in essence so people will worship me (don't worry not in a god way), but essentially isn't that what I am saying.  I will work hard, sacrifice, acheive and then I will look so good, or appear so perfect, or be so righteous.  Then people will be impressed with me-SO ANTI GOD!!!  So, self worship.  We can do this even when we are reaching for "christian" victories.  It is amazing how we can make EVERYTHING about us and nothing about HIM.  Even using Him to achieve victory, you know like, "I will have a quiet time with God everyday and make these rules-again to achieve victory-so I will become a better person so I will look good".  Never even thinking about obeying  God.  Hmmmm, obedience?  Actually saying and acting on God being your father-the one making the rules and you submitting to them and God being your Master/Boss you respecting that position.  Do we really live this way?  not just give it lip service.  Living in obedience, not trying to make and follow your own rules on how to do something or what is ok or not, totally different and something I fight against naturally.  Well we all do, that's why this obedience takes action-the action of faith (believing God knows best) and submission (deciding to let go of my boss mentality). Being a parent has really helped me understand this, bc when you are the child (no matter how old you are) you think you know best and your parents are just trying to restrict you; however when you become a parent you put rules in place to help keep your child safe, help them make choices that would bless them and others.  You realize that rules are important, and the one with more wisdom should make them.  You at this point have more wisdom than your children,  so it would go to prove that God has more wisdom than all.  I mean He is the parent of all...even of creation.  So, He should know the best way.  I can see in my kids their fight with me, they want to make the rules.  I can see the ignorance in their ability to make good rules, they don't know what's best.  I do the same with God.  I am no different than my 2 year old fighting with me to let him run into the street or my 4 year old fighting with me on just eating sugar.  I fight God the same way, for independence.  Really, when I think about it-obedience allows for a weight to be lifted.  I don't have to make things happen, I don't have to keep up with all these rules I or others have put in place to measure success or victory.  I simply-or maybe not so simply-have to obey God and let all others goals and measuring sticks go.  Let go of my pride and how I want to look, for following God and focusing on His glory.  I hope I've articulated this well.  If not, oh well there you have it..